Sinking slowly...

This may sound strange, coming from someone who is entirely blessed and excited about my future...but I feel as if I am slowly sinking into the dense quicksand of a new semester.

Despite the fact that my courseload is quite similar to last semester- same two jobs, same number of credits, same husband, same friends, pretty much same everything- I feel more, well, rushed somehow, as if I've stepped onto quicksand and must find my way out immediately. Only I'm not on my way out- I'm on my way in...

One explanation for the feeling I am currently experiencing might be my propensity to add more social events than is somehow sustainable. A few of these so-called "social" events have actually been altruistic in nature (hosting weekly meals at the house in Newark, serving at the senior citizen 'high tea' at church, volunteering to speak with a friend's youth group about the reservation, cutting someone's hair...yes, that's right. I said cutting someone's hair). Even so, they tend to whittle my time down to a few spare minutes here and there, during which I am suppose to be a student.

I say all that to mention how attentive I must become to my schedule so as to avoid the feeling of being overwhelmed. I've been truly overwhelmed before, particularly my senior year of college, and I vowed to never go back. The past few weeks I've been getting similar feelings of slight panic about my schedule, a clear sign I must prune. But the obvious question is- what? I enjoy everything I'm doing, and this semester's classes are quite interesting, so my reading is not only fun, but somewhat necessary for my well-being. I think I'm on to something though...we have been hosting A LOT lately at our apartment, which involves cleaning, cooking, more cleaning, and several hours of missed opportunity to be productive. If you know me, I of course think that hosting IS productive, so I'm speaking from both sides of my mouth, I guess.

I have a few other estimations regarding the reason behind my feelings of sinking slowly and the need to refocus my time...events have transpired recently to put my focus back on being a diligent student, and here they are!

1. I have officially applied to the joint program between PTS and Rutgers University through which I may receive a Masters of Social Work. I will not go into detail regarding this decision, but I will say that I am extremely excited about this opportunity to further my studies in the field of such practical ministry....It will only be one year extra, after which I will have received both my Masters of Divinity and my Masters of Social Work. Oh yeah- I know what some of you are saying (Katie...) that I'm deliberately being a professional student. Ha, this might be true, but for such a good price, why not? :):)

2. AJ has officially started his job with Whole Foods, where he is acquiring the skills of a meat-cutter professional! That's right, he works behind the meat counter- AND we get a 20 percept discount. :) This new addition to our lives means that our 'together time' will need to be much more intentional, but I guess we're facing what all couples face all the time....we were spoiled for 8 months of super-flexible schedules, and now we might have to actually...(gasp)...plan dates!

3. To top it all off, I have begun a class called "Sleep, Surrender, Sabbath" which has inspired me to focus on the amount of sleep I recieve and how I spend my time on a daily basis. Don't you think that's a little ironic- the week I start my "sleep" class I become extremely busy, and get a cold? Oh yeah- that's something else fogging my mind...I have a cold. First one since this past summer- is it also ironic that it's warmer outside today than is has been for several months?

Hmm, evidently I caught myself in a rather introspective mood today during my blogging moment. I hope you enjoy this somewhat murky post...complete with random tidbits and a slight amount of complaining. I really do know better, than to let myself sink slowly into the quicksand of life, sometimes I just need a reminder to rest myself on firmer ground.

May I seek to find my place of centeredness in the one true God that desires my complete trust. And I'd have to say that I do find peace amidst the chaos in knowing that God is in control, and my frantic human efforts really could be scaled back...who knows, it might even allow God to work in my weakness.

Here's to continually discovering new and frustrating parts of life, all with the deep and unfettered knowledge of a God who knows, loves, and cares for all of Creation- including me and you!

Emily

A New Semester Begins...

I have to admit- the past week I have been on break, presumably giving me ample time to update my blog. However, at this point I will refer you to my previous post. :)

To recap my past few weeks- I enjoyed my whirlwind of a class called Theology of the Lord's Supper. We really dug into the major theologians representing a majority of Christian eucharistic traditions....and we also studied our professor's suggested ecumenical approach toward church unity. I must say, it grieves me that we are so far away from unity as Christians, and as much as I respect attempts toward ecumenical dialogue, I really have serious reservations as to whether we are capable of allowing variances in tradition to exist without condemnation. Time will tell...

Last Saturday (well, after an evening of girl-time on Friday) I finally finished my paper, and starting Sunday I've been on a glorious break! I did have to spend two days at the hospital being a chaplain (which continues to be a really fulfilling experience) and an afternoon working at the institute for youth ministry...but overall I've been doing fun things- like hanging out with my husband, going to the gym on a 'free week' trial, digging out of 15 inches of snow (it began again about 15 minutes ago), helping host a birthday party for a dear friend, baking hundreds of cookies (seriously), and cleaning, organizing (if you know me, this is a good thing), and overall feeling great about life!

I have to brag a minute. Only a minute, I promise. A few weeks ago AJ and I were having some minor bickering argument, which had been occurring relatively frequently, and I went for a run...which was amazing...and during my stress-relieving run, I had an epiphany. AJ and I are SO LUCKY to be together. I decided right then and there that we should start acting like we believe it. And since that moment, we HAVE. Every time something minor comes up, all I have to do is remember that moment on my run- and I am overwhelmed with joy in marriage.

There, that's all the bragging I'll do for one day. Thanks for indulging me.

Well, another development has recently occurred in our lives. AJ spent a few nights last week up in Newark at a house for young men and women who were without a home and somehow connected with the justice system. It is a new housing initiative through our church, and this particular house is still awaiting a house mentor...as you might be able to imagine, some unpleasant happenings occurred in the house, and our pastor asked AJ if he could go monitor the house for a few days. While there, AJ developed a relationship with a few of the guys, and now we have decided to go up to the house weekly and cook a meal, stay the night, etc. It should be a fun adventure for AJ and I this semester!

I'm sure there's more to tell, but that's it for right now. If I were really cool I would have provided pictures of all the snow here (think- South Dakota!) :) Alas, I'm still leaving something to be desired.... :)

I hope you are all well, if you happen to be reading this blog. Since my lapse in writing seems to be progressing at a normal rate, I imagine I may have lost a few readers. In any case- much love to you all from this winter wonderland called NJ!

Emily

Remember when...

I used to blog regularly?

Yeah, I vaguely do too.

Except now I don't feel as inspired. Why?

Well, perhaps because what I do actually seems boring to write about.

Certainly I must have crazy stories from my winter break. But then again, I didn't spend winter break in Princeton. And this blog is suppose to be about Princeton.

Nor did I truly 'break' from anything in my travels back to SD.

Except reading and writing. I didn't read a single page. Nope. Okay, maybe a news article here and there.

Instead I saw plenty of friends and family- and my darling little niece, whom AJ now loves (she gives him kisses- it didn't take much more than a scrunched-up smile to win him over).

And now I'm back in Princeton, doing my boring ole' study thing.

Except lately I intersperse studying with visions of my next life. My life after Princeton. Maybe I'm not suppose to live in the future, but the present is too boring without visions of the future, when I, you know, actually do something with my life.

Don't get me wrong. I love seminary. I do. I love so many things about it. I love the people. I like the lectures. But I don't like writing papers, or striving for grades. Instead, I seek my 'meaning' in odd sorts of ways one really shouldn't say aloud. So... (in a whispered voice)... I practice speeches I will one day give to young people. It's true. I stand in front of a mirror and rehearse motivational speeches. There I said it. And you may have even heard, despite the lowered voice.

So, that's what I've been up to lately, with my husband gone again to a week of class in Kansas. I prance around our apartment pretending that millions of bright and hopeful young people are eagerly anticipating my next word. And it keeps me going....keeps me contemplating this enormous mystery of God- being people of God in a world littered with false messages of meaning. Oh- and I'm also studying the Lord's Supper...interesting, but pretty 'heady' and really dense reading.

Speaking of dense reading, I hear a few books calling my name. Off to my world of study that is painfully necessary to enhance my future vision of ministry. That's what we like to call seminary.

Love- with all the hugs possible,

Emily

Seeking God through Papers

Can this be possible?

Yes, it must be, if I'm to assume that my every action can be performed in an attitude of prayer. Here's the deal. I'm entirely unmotivated to write these three final papers....so if I tell myself it is a viable form of seeking God, maybe I will find motivation?

Ha- okay, I will let you know exactly 2 weeks from now if it worked. My final papers are all due 2 weeks from now, and I lack nearly all motivation to write them. Several of the thoughts are in my head already (well, for two...the other one is gonna be sheer sweat and blood)...but putting them on paper is always the most difficult.

In other areas of life, however, I have experienced more success. I finished my photo album from the wedding, finally. I have gathered my energies and figured out Xmas gifts for family members. I have added a few decor items to our apartment recently. And I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with AJ since he returned from his 11 day hiatus... Although he is gone again, this time only for a few days.

I honestly don't have too much to say. I need to write papers- so if I can request a massive helping of your prayers, I will. I know that's a little selfish when so many children and adults alike experience horrendous life situations...and here I am in my privileged position of study, thinking I have it so hard. Geez, someday I might get over myself. :)

Thanks for tuning in to this rather boring post. I am sending my love and cheer on this brisk December evening. May the love of God surround you like a warm fuzzy blanket!

Em

Thanks for Everything...

Here in Princeton my life often becomes a swirl of "to-dos." It's the student life, I suppose, yet somehow I know we all need space to reflect beyond our daily tasks to the greater picture of our lives. Thanksgiving seems to be a great time for such things. I have been trying to do exactly that this week, as I work on another 10 page paper and anticipate the other three 15 page papers yet to appear before Dec 18 (at noon, to be precise). Yes, I have so much left this semester that I often get sucked into thinking only about my STUDENT LIFE.

And then my husband lures me away from the temptation to become extremely self-absorbed. If I had one complaint about being a student, it would be my continuous propensity to think only about myself. And my husband is really good at reminding me my papers will not solve world problems- nor will they matter in the long run....or even short run, really. My papers are an important part of my synthesis of information here, but the synthesis of learning occurs the entire time I'm a student, and papers just happen to be needed to determine grades. Yuck.

So after all my admissions about how busy I am and will be- I have to stop and say....Wow! Thanks for Everything! Thanks to God for continually guiding me and walking alongside as I ponder the mysteries of faith. Thanks to my husband for bringing endless joy into my silly student life. Thanks to all my family for sharing their lives with me and providing a solid foundation. Thanks to all my friends for truly caring about my well-being- (and also luring me away from my self-centered corner). Thanks to all my church family for providing space for me to be involved in creating change outside the walls of the church. Thanks to myself, for learning to appreciate little accomplishments and take minor defeats in stride. Thanks to a husband who just went to the grocery store so we could make breakfast together this morning....ah I could continue on and on...

Speaking of Thanksgiving. I celebrated all day Thursday with a couple friend of ours in addition to another couple friend we only met that day! It was great- and extended into the evening playing games (Rummikub...awesome!) and enjoying our time with old friends and new friends...we provided a mean spread for the table, I must say!

I don't have too much more to update. Of course I do, but right now all I can think about is making pancakes and eggs, working on my paper, and walking a friend's dogs this afternoon. I have a friend who is celebrating her birthday today as well- so it'll be a great day I'm sure.... even if I possibly need to resort to my self-centered corner to write a few more pages on my paper.

I am waiting to receive photos from our time at Thanksgiving, so when I do- I might even post them! :)

Love you all, whoever you are. Take a moment to be thankful in your own life. It makes all the difference.

Em

Seriously serious

To begin, a short thought about the whole idea of blogging...

Okay, bloggers who update their blogs daily or thereabout are seriously serious. Today I thought to myself, oh I just posted the other day and wonder if anyone has commented? Well, looking at the date, I realize it's been 9 days already since my last post. Seriously? I must not be that serious.

In any case, I continue to enjoy writing about my life with God. The thing about seminary is...I learn the language to speak about God (or to speak about that which is so utterly other that human language cannot attempt to solidify with words)...but unless I speak about the God moments in my own life, God will remain an abstract reality. So here I am, attempting to put words to the movements of God in my everyday life. To be honest, many of us 'theologians' struggle with this endeavor more than seminary papers...here's to keeping it real....God style.

I have been in good prayer lately. My life of prayer (which is the best way to remain in contact with that which is so utterly other... :) seems to ebb and flow according to unexplainable forces. My primary mode of prayer is journaling. It is a highly intimate reflection of my deepest yearnings, and even that practice seems to ebb and flow. After a good journal entry (which often leads to further impromptu prayer) I think to myself "Yes! I shall write everyday for the rest of my life!" And then life happens. I get distracted by a new husband, by the swirling thoughts of the following day, by the dizzyness which accompanies fatigue, by the thought of my head hitting the pillow...

And in the ebb and flow, I am reminded that Jesus called Christians into community for a purpose. At church we can pray together as a community and worship the one true God. With my group of prayer girls, we can share our burdens and joys- counting on one of us to initiate the meaningful prayer for which I long. With my husband, I can prayerfully imagine a future full of serving God and serving neighbor. With my seminary friends, I can pray with the understanding that theological differences melt away in the presence of an all powerful God.

And the structure of community leads me back to my moments of peaceful journaling. Such intimate moments inevitably lead me to thank God for the wonderful communities throughout my life that have sustained my faith, my belief in the power of prayer, and my understanding that God never leaves us. Our interest in deepening that relationship might ebb and flow, but God's presence never does. And in light of that faithfulness, I am prompted to say, "Thank God!"

Because seriously, who would I be if God wasn't faithful? Probably a miserable seminarian wondering what the heck I'm studying anyway. :)

Pay attention to the movements of God in your life- and remember that God's presence never leaves you...it's our motivation that ebbs and flows.

Loving you and loving God!

Em

Hello From the IYM Conference...

First of all, don't get overly excited. I haven't actually "gone" to a conference. Indeed, I am a part of administering the conference taking place here on campus!

If you hear me speak of working for IYM (Institute for Youth Ministry), this is one of the conferences we work toward all year. I am sitting at the "central command" station on campus, where we reside in case anyone needs our help or direction. Yesterday was crazy busy getting everything set up and everyone registered...but today it is a bit calmer, so I have to chance to finally update my blog.

Last week was our "reading week," which translated into "writing week" for me. I had 2- 10 page papers due at the end of last week, and although I worked really hard, I was still barely done in time. Plus I was working extra to gear up for this present conference, and I went to the hospital as usual. On top of everything, I lost 5 pages of work because of my negligent "saving" practices. One might assume I would learn from my failings in undergrad. However, I guess I was so eager to write my paper about the Native American novel we had been reading, that I neglected to double-check my saving. Oh well, I rewrote it all (hopefully better the 2nd time) the next day, and began writing my medical ethics paper, which took me awhile, even without losing 5 pages of that work.

(two-day intermission, I got distracted at the conference)

So, I was geared up for a fresh start for our "2nd half" of this semester on Monday, only to contract an illness from which I have only today fully recovered. It's good to be myself again, but I must say, it wasn't quite the "fresh" start I had anticipated. I couldn't perform my responsibilities at the hospital (although I am going to Flemington tomorrow for a hospice memorial service). Also, I didn't go to my Monday evening medical ethics. Pretty amusing to miss a "medical ethics" class because you're sick, I guess. I did, however, work 25 hours this week, which isn't bad, considering I also attended my other classes, and somehow got the most reading done that I have ever before classes this week!

Now the forum is officially over, and I sense that people really enjoyed themselves. Of course so many people have random feedback, which we welcome. It all has to be taken with a grain of salt. Our jobs now will consist of organizing our lives once again and revamping for the next forum! On top of that, I plan to write another paper next week (this time I'm trying to work ahead). I figure I will have time since AJ is planning on leaving for two weeks to go back home and take care of random business. I will miss him. That's definitely the longest we will have been apart in our 5 months of marriage.

Speaking of 5 months, that seems like a long time for someone who still considers herself adjusting to the idea of mutual dependence. In case anyone is wondering how I enjoy or dislike married life... I love it. Really, I'm not just saying that because a new wife is suppose to. I'm saying that because it actually pleasantly surprises me when I compare my present attitude with that of 2 years ago (about the time AJ started calling me for the first time). What a remarkable difference 2 years (and a lot of God's grace) can make on my perception of life direction and happiness. It gives me endless joy to dream with AJ about our future- the way we want to eat well, raise children well, care about our neighbors well, envision a more just society, and altogether live full and meaningful lives dedicated to honoring God through our decisions. Who knew that growing into a marriage could be so enriching!

Okay, enough of the marriage talk. I have to say that seeking God here at Princeton has been particularly interesting this semester. I am beginning to sense that last year's more "basic" learning has helped me move toward more nuanced ways of understanding my own faith and the vast history of theologians, beginning from the writings of Paul. I can officially say that I now enjoy my Karl and Paul class. Karl Barth has stretched my understanding of the "freedom of God"- and further theological implications (many and layered, too dense to sort out here). Paul has emerged as a complicated and intriguing theologian throughout the book of Romans, and I am a bit intimidated about writing that final paper!

I don't have any new photos. Sorry. I know some wonderful ladies who include photos quite often in their blogs (and I am jealous of their diligence)...but that would require forethought, something I seem to be lacking lately.

Tomorrow we have a potluck at church, and then the memorial service I mentioned above. If AJ leaves tomorrow, I will have a quiet evening at home alone. If he doesn't, I will spend it with him. Monday my usual life will resume again. I have such anticipation for these last few weeks before Christmas break, probably because I found out that I have most of my classes cancelled during Thanksgiving!!! Woohooo! (I still have field ed, though, making travel difficult).

Okay, my fingers have lingered over the keys long enough. I shall wish you all the love of God in the less noticeable moments of simple peace and gratitude. And I send my love as well, for what it's worth. :)

Emily